I'm alive.

Now that I am officially scared for my life in regards to North Korea, I will update.

My computer exploded, for lack of better terminology. Even though I had McAfee installed on it and had just run a scan, evidently it got some kind of virus because it insisted that it needed to restart itself every time I turned it on. It was saying something was wrong with the C: drive. After the first ten times I tried to turn it on and make it work, I gave up. Maybe when I just so happen to run across a couple hundred bucks I'll get it fixed. Right now it isn't a priority I suppose. Also, Justine has been nice enough to put with me using her computer for like an hour every night or so. Only lame aspect to this is that I can't download music. I did make it out to the local record store the other day though and picked up the new Mos Def, so there's that. Next I'm guessing is Slaughterhouse.

I made an appointment for my written permit test and it's on the twenty-fifth. My mom's ex-boyfriend from like, ten years ago is gonna let me drive his truck once I have my permit for insurance reasons. Turns out, after all these years, he lives in Carmichael which is close in relation to Sacramento. Funny thing is, he taught my mom how to drive when she was like twenty-five so It'd be like two generations being taught by the same guy. Weird. We'll see how that goes. After this I was getting ready to take some of those practice shits online.

I didn't wanna address it, but it's been a somewhat pivotal moment within the last month or so that I've stopped conversation with Sierra. There was a couple incidents that led up to this point involving me being rejected and then finding out he kissed another girl at work and it's whatever, it was a culmination of events- but this time I felt ready to do it which is also making it easier to stick to. I'm not asking anyone to believe me, because I know on a few seperate occassions I've said the same thing so I guess it's just a heads up. Not much else to say there.

Other than that? Hmmm, nothing really. Been going to the gym with Laura most days after work, trying to set up an appointment with an optometrist and gets Bones his shots and nuetered at some point. Looks like Justine and I are hittin a tattoo convention this Friday after work and then on Saturday I'm going over to Laura's place for a little dinner party for her twenty-sixth birthday. Things are looking up, in my eyes, even though it may seem like little stuff. Little stuff eventually becomes big stuff, right? :)

I'm working on saying what I mean and meaning what I say. I was honest and intimate with someone and I was rejected. It hurts, time to move on.


I'm watching The Wackness.

Back when I first met my mom's ex-husband Gary, he told me about this saying he used to use back when he was younger. If someone was mistaken he'd say, "You thought like Andy." And when I asked him what that meant he said, "You thought like Andy. Thought poop was candy." And much cracking up ensued. For some reason I just thought of it and how sometimes I wanna say it but I don't wanna explain the punchline. Makes me crack up all over again. Kind of makes me sad too.

What else. Ah, okay. Baby mama added me on Myspace and basically spilled that Bones was her daughters' cat but I guess they couldn't keep him so Sierra took him. My really petty side is kind of upset over it, but Melina was right when she said that Bones is my baby now. I asked Sierra why he neglected to tell me that he came from Melissa but he said he didn't say anything because it doesn't matter. I guess he's right. Turns out he didn't tell her he was giving Bones to me in the first place, she found out later. I really don't want beef with her, ugh. She wants to hang out and stuff again, which is kind of weird. All I know is, there will be no alcohol involved this time (last time she forced herself on me and made out with me) and if she starts to go into sexual territory in regards to Sierra, I'm gonna tell her what's up.

I got back to the gym yesterday. I took Palahniuk's new book and used the treadmill for like forty-five minutes. I'm starting off slow so I don't get burnt out again. I feel pretty good.

So ever since Erika&Justine's dog Zoey became aware of Bones she's been sitting outside my door waiting for me to open it. She won't leave me the fuck alone when I go in and out of my room. I have to literally punt here a couple feet away and bust ass to get into my own damn room. I'm sorry but if sitting in the other room yelling for Zoey isn't making her get the fuck out of my way, you might have to actually get up and grab her. Maybe kinda sorta.

So Justine and I get home from work today and Zoey is super excited and following me around, literally underfoot, and when I open my door to see Bones she slithers her way in (because even though she gets on my nerves, I'm not gonna close the door on her midsection) and while I catch her, Bones gets out and takes off for Erika and Justine's room and Zoey takes off after Bones. Now, Bones is TINY. As in, he probably weighs only a couple ounces at this point in his life. So I'm like freaking out and dropping F bombs left and right trying to catch him and Zoey is trying to play with him all rough like and ugh. It was just a nightmare. I wish I didn't have to be the only one to take precautions when I go in and out of my room.

+ Sierra gave me a kitten as a gift. I'm calling him Bones.
+ I've seen Star Trek three times.
+ The Office is my new favorite thing in this universe.

Today was designated "let's clean the whole house!" day. Yeah, fuck that. I woke up around 7:30AM or so, finished getting ready around 8:30AM and then proceeded to start cleaning the living room since I saw Justine busy at the sink. For this being Erika's idea, there sure is a lack of her helping in the equation. Also, the living room is chock full of her shit, most of which I don't have the inkling to go through and ask "where does this go? how about this?" etc etc. Honest to goodness, I don't feel it's my job. Today is one of the days she wants us to be roommates, when I'm slipping on dog urine and bruising my foot up, she wants us to be friends. I don't care either way. I know I have a responsibility to the house in regards to cleaning but I cleaned the common area. I lifted the rug and beat it outside and rolled it up while I swept the floor and back in the crevices before I mopped the floor and the hall, fixed the couch covers and picked up some stuff off the coffee table I knew was garbage. I moved whatever I had out into my room and that's about the extent of my responsibility to cleaning me thinks. All the clothes, crafting shit, garbage, old mail, and other stuff that belongs to Erika and/or Justine, I don't necessarily see as part of my cleaning domain. Just as I wouldn't expect them to pick up my stuff to that extent, I don't expect to pick up theirs is all I'm saying. Is that out of line? I reaaaally don't think so.

The reason we're doing it like this anyway is because our landlord is coming to see the house for the first time ever on the twenty-second and now we've gotta smash through almost a whole year's worth of stuff-accumulation before he gets here. We haven't caused any physical damage to the house, but it does tend to be dirty more often than not. I'm not exactly sure of what to think. I believe in helping and all that but like, I am so tired of cleaning up after people. They could say the same about me in regards to dishes, I'm sure, but there are at least two instances where they took off on vacation and left the house an absolute disaster and I spent like, a couple hours cleaning it up before what's his name came over. One specific date would be my twentieth birthday of this past year. That one really sucked. So, no, I don't really feel bad about not helping put away their stuff. I'm just gonna sit here and blog. Okay, done.

I slipped on dog piss today and busted my toe. Cool.

At this point I'm pretty much on cruise control. Part of me wants to wait for a sign, period pointblank about anything, and part of me knows I need to make that sign, you feel me? I have been doing the same things and seeing the same people and making the same mistakes. Right now, life is on repeat repeat repeat.  I'm not even gonna delve into my situation with Sierra, or lack there of. Well, not so much a lack. The more time I spend picking his brain or just in his presence period, the more I realize he is all about himself. He cannot be faulted for that, it's just not in my personal nature to be so absorbed in myself that it's to the detriment of my relationships with other people. Last night I was actually over at his place to watch some quantum physics pseudo-science movie about the power of the self starring Marlee Matlin called, "What the Bleep Do We Know." He spent like, the first whole hour on the phone with Baby Mama talking about this, that, and the other. At one point I texted Justine and asked her to please come get me because I didn't wanna be there anymore but I have no idea where Sierra lives so that was pointless. I waited it out and seethed in silence but he knew something was up. He's bright enough to pick up on vibes but not self-aware enough to recognize that his behaviors might be the catalyst in such mood changes. One out of two ain't bad? No, it's totally bad. It's the equivalent of failing. He offered me a foot rub and tried to pinch me and smack me to get my attention but I wasn't having any of it. At one point I realized that my bad mood was only affecting me because obviously he had no clue that his ignoring me while he was on the phone to someone he says he doesn't wanna see anymore pissed me off and I lightened up. For my own sake if nothing else. I'm not even sure of what I'm doing with him anymore. Things get more "serious" while they still remain painfully up in the air and uncertain. I guess that would mean they're not serious in the slightest.

I am still not driving, but my whole entire life is getting to the point where I am overcome with ennui so I've gotta make a move soon or risk some kind of serious clinical mood issues.

So Sierra came out and admitted that his motivation in seeing me is lacking because he "hasn't had the greatest experiences" with me. Wow, ouch. So I asked him to clear up that statement for me because yeah, I was hurt by it. He replied, "It means maybe you shouldn't drink alcohol around me :P" which leads me to believe that it's because I become a sex monster when I'm drunk. Oy vey, embarrassing.  I mean really, I'm mortified.

How does one bounce back from that kind of remark? What do I think to myself to save my dignity? Part of me doesn't even wanna talk to him now. Out of embarrassment more than anything.